Through this amazing, somewhat geeky invention of the blog, I have just read two different accounts on the same topic. One discusses the miracle that is love, and the other bemoans the pain of a love that must end. I have experienced both, and both frighten me. Where do you let go and fully allow another person to know you, to explore your soul, to love you? Can you ever completely let go? Will you ever able to expose every flaw, every failure, every weakness to that other person? And what happens after you do? Obviously not everything is "happily ever after": just look at the divorce rates in America.. what is it? 70%? More? The figures are atrocious. Those statistics reflect an enormous number of people: people who took a risk and loved, only to be hurt; people who sheltered themselves, and never truly opened up and allowed their partner to love them; people who let their marriages and their feelings for each other die away due to improper maintanance. And the relationships that never blossomed into marriage? Only more people whose hopes and dreams about love were dragged across the jagged rocks of betrayal, loss, and disillusionment.

These are broken hearts.

I want to love, when the time is right. I'm not old enough yet. I haven't done all that I want to in this world - travel, meet people, experience single life in all its underestimated glory. I may find my significant other in the next four years, or I may not. I may not even be mature enough to recognize it when I do meet that person. College is a time for self-development. I need to find myself. I don't want to date in my first year of college. I'm not ready for committment. I'm just trying to get my own shit together.

I'm scared to death.

how many years can a mountain exist
before it's washed to the sea?
how many years can some people exist
before they're allowed to be free?
how many times can a man turn his head
pretending he just doesn't see?
the answer, my friend, is blowin' in the wind
the answer is blowin' in the wind

Bob Dylan-Blowin' in the Wind

I don't know if it's "fresher" or "more fresh", but whichever it is, that's what Sub Shop's bread is. In comparison to Subway's bread, I mean. But then, Meconi's beats them all, in freshness and in price.

My German exchange student came in yesterday. He is AWESOME. I don't know... maybe it's him, or maybe it's just the fact that we have a guest, but I am having the best time. He knows quite a bit of English, but he has a hard time forming sentences, so after a couple of times he usually switches to German, which pleases me to no end (although I know this is bad for him - he's supposed to be learning English... the total immersion thing, you know... I suppose I'd better start forcing him to speak only English). Last night he taught me and some of my friends a German card game... it was a lot like Nerts. Good fun. He's 6 foot 3 and skinny as all get out and just turned 15, so he's young but he doesn't look like it. I'm going to have a great time showing him around Oly.

Hmm, just used my last 5 minutes of lunch time to type about meinen deutschen Junge. S'pose I'd better get back to work.

loving you isn't the right thing to do
how can I ever change things that I feel

if I could, maybe I'd give you my world
How can I when you won't take it from me

you can go your own way
go your own way
you can call it another lonely day
you can go your own way

Fleetwood Mac - Go Your Own Way

One thing I neglected to mention: it smells like Disneyland outside. Disturbing when your normal life begins to feel like a theme park.

At least it's a good theme park.

it's been awhile. That much closer to leaving for college. Counting down the days. Getting nervous. Yes. Will be quite exciting, though.

Let's see... what have I been up to? Got back from the random trip to L.A., wherein I visited Jihad's apartment and brought his little brother along for the ride. Lots of fun there, even if it was relatively short and pointless. Came back and laughed at my siblings who were forced into beginning another 9 months of compulsory education. The laugh went something like this:

MUAHAHAHAHAHAHA

And even before all that, I had a frustrating time at the UW registering for classes, with a little bit of bubble tea and downtown Seattle fun mixed in. There's a place called WOW Bubble Tea on the Ave which I have already visited 3 times, and I DON'T EVEN GO TO SCHOOL in Seattle yet. Signs of an addict. But they have a punchcard! (I already have four down - six to go.)

Oh, and the Eddie Izzard show! (Which I insisted on calling "concert" - don't ask me why.) It was last Saturday evening and it was FANTASTIC. I'm vaguely aware that Eddie's comedy shows have gone slightly downhill since his smash hit "Dress to Kill", but you can't deny the fact that he is damn funny. Needless to say, I enjoyed it immensely, especially the part where we met Eddie after the show. He signed my ($10) poster and kissed me on the cheek (I asked for that in lieu of a picture, because I was dumb enough to forget to bring a camera). I was estatic. If he ever comes again, I will get closer seats and sure as hell bring a camera with me.

Spent the week cleaning the hell out of my room, hell being 2 bags of garbage, a box of Goodwill donation material, and a large amount of stuff to take with me to college. The room is looking good and ready for the German exchange student we're hosting for 3 weeks starting Sunday. I think he's got allergies, so that means I have some heavy vaccuuming and dusting left to do. And it has to happen before I leave for Pullman today.

What business do I have in Pullman, you may ask? Well, I'll tell you. (hahaha) Smitty and I are visiting about 5 of our friends at WSU. Should be a great road trip. Two days there, and then a trip back to SeaTac to pick up my German buddy.

Off now. Til later...

she's just a waste of my energy
and I'm just a waste of her time
so why don't we get together
and we could waste everything tonight

moreJack Johnson

I tried to write some "catch-yourself-up-with-my-life" mumbo jumbo earlier, but Jihad, being an idiot, ran in and typed on the keyboard until I got too frusterated to battle and closed the window. So it didn't post. Damn it. Short version follows:

*arrived in LA yesterday to visit Jihad and another friend from Capital.
*was excited.
*watched an acapella concert and watched the USC football game at sombody's apartment
*still am excited - plus having tons o' fun

alrighty, that should hold y'all over until my next post. laterz.

how many times must we go through this
you've always been my woman i though you this
we could end up broken hearted
we don't remember why all this started
and they try to tell you that love is timed
but there's no such thing as time
it's our time
it's our time
it's our time
Jack Johnson
and we say

sweet. Now I, too, have apologized to the cows.





You should do it too. DO IT! DO IT!

look at all those fancy clothes
but these can keep us warm just like those
and what about your soul? is it gold?
or is it straight from the mold and ready to be sold?
cars and phones and diamond rings
bling bling
but those are only removable things
and what about your mind? does it shine?
or are there other things more important than your time?

-from Jack Johnson's new CD, "On and On." Track 5 - Gone

okay, so it's a week and a half later. I still really want to go on another hike. Why did I wait until now to start hiking, when I grew up in one of the most beautiful hiking areas in the US (or even the world)?

And now I'm going to become a city girl.

Intimidating, it is. City life sounded like a whole lot of fun until I realized that while I enjoy day trips to Seattle, I think I prefer a quieter habitat for everyday living. Places closer to nature, with friendly faces and a lower crime rate. We'll see how I fare.

Babysitting for the Aussie kids was a hoot and a holler. I practically lived off of quesadillas and Lindor bon bons, while the four-year-old, by his own choice, survived on meals consisting mainly of hotdogs. It was fun though, making cookies and going to Burger King for lunch one day, and having Manzanita+bf and Jihad out after the kids were asleep - it was like having my own house. The pay was pretty good, too. Regardless, I was extremely happy to be able to hang out with people my age and not have all the responsibility of kids once I was done with the job. I swear, if I ever become a single mother... I don't know what I'll do. Hire a live-in nanny, probably. Or go crazy.

So life is fairly normal again. My quartet did our second and last wedding last Sunday, and our final gig is tonight. And there was much rejoicing. I'm back at work, although I've been taking off quite a bit of time - last Friday I took off at 11 AM to drive with Jihad to Port Townsend for a day trip, and yesterday I took the afternoon off to go boating with Batman and others. Good stuff. I'm feeling really independent, a feeling boosted by the fact that Dad's in Canada fishing and has left practically all important matters in my hands. (Basically, I'm paying for things like gas and football clearance fees and making a reimbursement list. Also trying to keep my brothers from throwing impromptu parties, although on that front I haven't been so successful.) Consequentially, I feel like I'm in college already, although in college I know I'll have a much smaller living space, no car, and classes to attend. Hmm. So I feel like right now I'm in a pretty good place. Happy, happy happy.

Jihad left this morning for school. Can't say I'm too upset about it yet. Gotta let it sink in. There's a lot of stuff that has yet to sink in to my brain. >WHOA< says brain

um< something just happened to my keyboard and I can't make punctuation marks and caps lock became default and holy bejeezus I need to lie down before lunch is over due to yesterday's skiing and tubing adventures. hey, there's my punctuation!

hallelujah!

It's quarter to 8 now and I have to leave for work but I'm really hoping that I'll have time today between work and quartet and babysitting for the next 3 days to tell you all about the awesome camping trip I just went on this weekend oh my god it was so much fun and I want to talk about it.

I usually don't use a whole lot of run-on sentences. Does it convey my excitement?

Laterz.

um, I miss my old blog. Not that I want it back.. I think it was too girly for my liking. Much better on this new template. But still, the nostalgia.

Brother the first is not home yet and I am worrying. He has the car. Not good.

hmm, well, have been thinking about a conversation that apparently I never had. indeed it does seem like something of a dream. I feel that it may have been embarrassing to the other conversationalist... I just hope this person knows that the subject was approached in an almost tactful manner, kinda like asking for permission first, and that is admirable. Also helped me come to a decision that I may not have made had I not had said conversation. Which is good. And so you see, all things happen for a reason.

Very excited for a hiking trip this weekend, seeing as how I've never ever been on one. Really surprised at Dad's lax attitude towards all of this.. a year ago I would never be allowed to hike the weekend away. he really doesn't care where I am or what time I'm home, for the most part. Can you imagine... this is what college will be like, but better. But also with less spending money.

I agree with what the 19 year old had to say in her livejournal. I'm not ready to part ways with many of my good friends. Why must this happen?

but as I said, everything happens for a reason.

And it's true.

I want bones like iron
and blood like mercury
so I can tell you when I'm rising
when I'm sinking in

dispatch - two coins

The solution to aforementioned problem boiled down to a two-minute cell phone conversation, with the person on other end around ears and thus saying nothing to avoid saying something incriminating. I fear that this solution is only temporary and not even that good. Funny that it was created to maintain both the status quo and my happiness factor. Just by the fact that I know I shouldn't be taking this course of action is obliterating that second goal. Sure, it might suffice these next few weeks, but what about long term?

Apart from that, swing dancing last night was a blast, and I saw some people I definitely was not expecting to see, as well as a few regulars with whom I was looking forward to catching up.

Lunch break is ending, and back to work I must go.

I don't want to mess with the HTMLing anymore. Just did a bit to make my blog look like less of a mess.

Must leave for a wedding gig soon. Must get ready, but also must pour out a little bit into this blog o' mine, because I feel ready to burst.

Asked a question yesterday to a friend, and not really expecting an answer, I got one and it shocked me. It made me rethink a lot of things; it upset me. I realized slowly that this large portion of my life, one that I thought would remain fairly constant, is now only a shadow of what it once was, all due to my misconceptions and lies to myself. I think I know what I need to do in regards to all of this, but I really, really would rather not - I have doubts as to whether I am strong enough a person for it. I guess I will continue to act as I normally would, but I'll keep in mind the truth instead of lying to myself and I'll see where that gets me - maybe the plan that I know I should follow will become the one that I want to follow.

I think that little vague paragraph helped some. Made me feel less likely to puke.

Wedding time.

screw that shizzle.

just one more time.

wow. I SUCK at this stuff.