There were a few moments there where I considered deleting my post of two weekends ago. Of course, I didn't do that. Why amend what's on my mind? No one else does. Really, no one reads blogs. My faithful readership is a prime number less than 4. It's funny that this one doesn't make any splash at all until... oh, man. Free speech is a double-edged sword, I guess.

I can comment on it, though. I won't delete, but I'll comment.

I understand that I wouldn't have been invited on a fun weekend if my company wasn't desired. I never felt like I deserved any of it - probably the exact opposite is true. And that's why I felt the way I did - since I didn't deserve it, there must have been another reason.

I did try to socialize. And I enjoyed hanging out with the people I did, when I did, for the most part. It's just that on the last night I wasn't feeling very social, and I felt that wasn't acceptable. Doesn't everyone deserve some space when they need it? I think it's reasonable for me to publish these sorts of feelings on a blog. Hey, there are worse outlets, right? This is a good place to be critical. And I criticize many things that I'm a part of, for example America, UW, Olympia, and Seattle. I think if I'm a part of the drama, it's good to criticize it, rather than shove it underground and pretend like it didn't happen.

Speaking of outlets, I may need to find another if I keep getting messages on my phone. I guess there's no need to share those messages, but then again, there's no need for them to be left on my voicemail. If it's such a moot point, why was there a second message?

I guess I call all of this "high-school drama" because it only involves people from high school. And it's not the people. It's the connections. Think about it - he said that she said that he heard that she said. How does all this word get around? Because everyone knows everybody else and they all have each others cell phone numbers, and various senses of loyalty to one another. The same sort of thing happens in offices, in small towns - similar settings. The fact that this all happened on the weekend that it did is really just a coincidence. It involves people from high school, and nobody else. Anyone else notice this trend? If it were just the people, I would live with those girls in a heartbeat. We all know that it's the connections that change the atmosphere, and that's precisely what drives me away. It gets to be too much for me. I'm afraid - afraid that I wouldn't be happy. Afraid that I'd be trying to please everyone all the time. Afraid that I'd side with someone when I shouldn't, or not stick up for someone when I should. I guess that's why I run from it. It's the easy way out, I guess... but why would I go the hard way?

So now, some people have opinions on what needs to happen next. I guess this is the part where I stick to my guns and do what needs to be done, not what other people think I should do.

I hope I'm strong enough?

After my small dinner party tonight, I'm a tired girl. It'd be best if I go to sleep now - gotta get up early for work tomorrow.

I recommend getting your heart trampled on to anyone
I recommend walking around naked in your living room
Swallow it down (what a jagged little pill)
It feels so good (swimming in your stomach)
Wait until the dust settles
You live you learn
You love you learn
You cry you learn
You lose you learn
You bleed you learn
You scream you learn

You Learn - Alanis Morrisette (back when she was good)