Mitch Hedberg is the man, yo. Check it out:

I like vending machines, because snacks are better when they fall. If I buy a candy bar at the store oftentimes I will drop it, so that is achieves its maximum flavor potential.

I bought a seven dollar pen, because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring.

I think pickles are cucumbers that sold out. They sold their soul to the devil, and the devil is dill...

I bought a doughnut and they gave me a receipt for the doughtnut...I don't need a receipt for the doughnut - I give you money and you give me the doughnut, end of transaction. We don't need to bring ink and paper into this. I can't imagine a scenario that I would have to prove that I bought a doughnut. To some skeptical friend: "Don't even act like I didn't buy a doughnut, I've got the documentation right here... It's in the file. Under "D"."

It's funnier when you hear him actually say it. That's the best. Want more? Go here.

Also, a friend gave this to me. The whole site takes a while to read but MAN, is it funny.

Okay, chem time. Quiz in 2 hours. yikes!

I know you don't think you did me wrong
and I can't stay here, not for long
keeping ahold of what you just let go
you're just somebody that I used to know

Elliot Smith, bless his soul