went looking through my blog archives, and I think the idiots lost about two month's worth of my files. Not that it really matters, but I do like to go back and look at what I was thinking/feeling back in those times, and remember what was happening. It's good to see how I was dealing with the major issues in my life, and to see if they were really that major since I now know the outcome. Helps me to put things in perspective once in a while.
On second thought, I should not have called the blogger people idiots. They'll probably render my blog inaccessible.
Last night really did go well, for all of you who might care. I mean, I'm not usually exposed to that kind of scene, so as far as I can tell.. it was okay. I just can't see doing that kind of stuff every night though. Once in a while is fine, but wow. I need my down time. And when I think about it, it's only fun because it's 1. a change of pace and 2. kinda "bad girl"-esque. It's that mix of something different and something risky that produces the fun. Doing it more often only takes away from those qualities, thus ruining the fun. Am I overanalyzing this? Survey says: yes.
Done with high school. I don't even want to talk about it yet, just because right now it doesn't seem momentous. Just seems like I've completed some big nasty chore and I'm glad to be washing my hands clean of it. Maybe at graduation I'll start feeling the love more. Being sad at the thought of being parted from my classmates, and such.
my oh my you know it just don't stop
it's in my mind I wanna tear it up
trying to fight it trying to turn it off
but it's not enough
it takes a lot of love it takes a lot of love my friend
to keep your heart from freezing
to push on to the end
David Grey - My Oh My
14.6.03
13.6.03
IB campout last night. Seriously funny stuff. I had a good time, and other people did too, I thought. I'm going to go take a nap in a bit.
We are done with high school. What a relief. AWESOME.
Gotta go now, but I guess I'll blog some more later.
won't you look down upon me jesus
you gotta help me make a stand
just gotta see me through another day
my body's aching and my time is at hand
I won't make it any other way
I've seen fire and I've seen rain
I've seen sunny days that I thought would never end
I've seen lonely times when I could not find a friend
but I always thought that I'd see you again
James Taylor - Fire and Rain
We are done with high school. What a relief. AWESOME.
Gotta go now, but I guess I'll blog some more later.
won't you look down upon me jesus
you gotta help me make a stand
just gotta see me through another day
my body's aching and my time is at hand
I won't make it any other way
I've seen fire and I've seen rain
I've seen sunny days that I thought would never end
I've seen lonely times when I could not find a friend
but I always thought that I'd see you again
James Taylor - Fire and Rain
3.6.03
ugh... I'm so frustrated right now.
why do things not happen at the time they're supposed to? why do I feel like my emotions are being sucked into a big empty black hole?
Time moves slowly inside of a black hole. If I could suspend time... maybe I could get my feelings back and enjoy these last few moments of high school.
Instead I am counting the days until graduation, when I will finally be free. I want a change of surroundings. New people, new places, new situations. Here, I'm so predictable, and so is everybody else. No one is new or exciting, especially me. What the hell happened to the magic that filled my earlier days... even a few years ago it was still there. I wanted to meet new people, reach out and be that friendly face. Everyone is so faded now.
Yearbooks come tomorrow and I don't want to write in them. Not yet. I don't have anything to say. "It's been a great four years! Have a great summer! Oh, and the rest of your life, too!" Doesn't fit.
I really feel like swearing, but earlier comments from parental unit this evening give me reason to believe that he reads my blog, or at least has heard/read my swearing before and strongly disapproves. Not like he doesn't do it on occasion. Apparently it's okay if you do it when you're mad, but in normal conversation it's not acceptable. Well, this isn't normal conversation, but I"m going to restrain myself anyway. Just imagine that this text is littered with a smattering of four-letter words.
They're only bad if you assign a bad connotation to them.
I was officially the worst girls' javelin thrower at the 4A state track meet. Bah. I'm pretty pleased with 16th in state, though, even though I don't like the events that gave me that place and not a higher one.
Calculus can bite me. I'm so done. Why I must learn to integrate horrible, horrible equations that make no sense is beyond me.
On a lighter note, I'm partially excited about Prom. A little put out by the fact that Batman has decided to spray paint a suit silver just to be cool and cheap. Whatever. It's too late in the game to care anymore. Very excited about all the grad parties, even though they seem to all be taking place within the same week. Bad timing, kids.
Much homework still to be done, and I'm tired. Night all.
I remember when
you and me
ooh how we used to be
just good friends
wouldn't give me none
but all I wanted was some..
she's got a whole lot of reasons
she can't think of a single one that can justify leaving
and he's got none but he thinks he got so many problems
and he's got too much time to waste
his dreams are like commercials
but her dreams are picture perfect
and dreams are so related though they're often underestimated
Jack Johnson - Bubble Toes
why do things not happen at the time they're supposed to? why do I feel like my emotions are being sucked into a big empty black hole?
Time moves slowly inside of a black hole. If I could suspend time... maybe I could get my feelings back and enjoy these last few moments of high school.
Instead I am counting the days until graduation, when I will finally be free. I want a change of surroundings. New people, new places, new situations. Here, I'm so predictable, and so is everybody else. No one is new or exciting, especially me. What the hell happened to the magic that filled my earlier days... even a few years ago it was still there. I wanted to meet new people, reach out and be that friendly face. Everyone is so faded now.
Yearbooks come tomorrow and I don't want to write in them. Not yet. I don't have anything to say. "It's been a great four years! Have a great summer! Oh, and the rest of your life, too!" Doesn't fit.
I really feel like swearing, but earlier comments from parental unit this evening give me reason to believe that he reads my blog, or at least has heard/read my swearing before and strongly disapproves. Not like he doesn't do it on occasion. Apparently it's okay if you do it when you're mad, but in normal conversation it's not acceptable. Well, this isn't normal conversation, but I"m going to restrain myself anyway. Just imagine that this text is littered with a smattering of four-letter words.
They're only bad if you assign a bad connotation to them.
I was officially the worst girls' javelin thrower at the 4A state track meet. Bah. I'm pretty pleased with 16th in state, though, even though I don't like the events that gave me that place and not a higher one.
Calculus can bite me. I'm so done. Why I must learn to integrate horrible, horrible equations that make no sense is beyond me.
On a lighter note, I'm partially excited about Prom. A little put out by the fact that Batman has decided to spray paint a suit silver just to be cool and cheap. Whatever. It's too late in the game to care anymore. Very excited about all the grad parties, even though they seem to all be taking place within the same week. Bad timing, kids.
Much homework still to be done, and I'm tired. Night all.
I remember when
you and me
ooh how we used to be
just good friends
wouldn't give me none
but all I wanted was some..
she's got a whole lot of reasons
she can't think of a single one that can justify leaving
and he's got none but he thinks he got so many problems
and he's got too much time to waste
his dreams are like commercials
but her dreams are picture perfect
and dreams are so related though they're often underestimated
Jack Johnson - Bubble Toes
29.5.03
it would be just like my blogger to not work at this moment. I'm glad it is.
Condensed philosophy time. I've been feeling very socially unaccepted recently. It's my fault, because people aren't really clique-ish or snobby at all, and I'm trying to figure out exactly why i"m feeling this way. I think I know. At least I think I do. It's because I'm not as involved as I used to be. I don't volunteer anymore, I don't organize things, I've stopped caring about orchestra and other things in my life. There's hardly any homework anymore so I've just stopped doing it. My life feels devoid of purpose. Obvious solution: add these things back in, which will eventually result in the state i was in before.
But that raises more questions. Do I do all these activities to hide myself from the fact of my own unhappiness? Or do these things truly make me happy?
I find comfort in odd places.
All right, that's enough of that. Track meet tomorrow to go to and me with nothing packed. Later gaters.
would you hold my hand
if I saw you in heaven
would you help me stand
if I saw you in heaven
I'll find my way
through night and day
'cause I know I just can't stay
here in heaven
Eric Clapton - Tears in Heaven
Condensed philosophy time. I've been feeling very socially unaccepted recently. It's my fault, because people aren't really clique-ish or snobby at all, and I'm trying to figure out exactly why i"m feeling this way. I think I know. At least I think I do. It's because I'm not as involved as I used to be. I don't volunteer anymore, I don't organize things, I've stopped caring about orchestra and other things in my life. There's hardly any homework anymore so I've just stopped doing it. My life feels devoid of purpose. Obvious solution: add these things back in, which will eventually result in the state i was in before.
But that raises more questions. Do I do all these activities to hide myself from the fact of my own unhappiness? Or do these things truly make me happy?
I find comfort in odd places.
All right, that's enough of that. Track meet tomorrow to go to and me with nothing packed. Later gaters.
would you hold my hand
if I saw you in heaven
would you help me stand
if I saw you in heaven
I'll find my way
through night and day
'cause I know I just can't stay
here in heaven
Eric Clapton - Tears in Heaven
26.5.03
wow, it's been like a week since I've blogged. More, actually. I can't write much now - I'm getting ready for my aunt's birthday party. In Hoquiam.... fun stuff. But hey, I made it to state for Javelin, which is happy. Unexpected, but happy. It means I have 2 days of school next week starting tomorrow. Joy.. Alrighty then, I'm off. More blogging later if the stupid thing works.
Loneliness, your lips and the two coins of your eyes
into my pockets
a train skates into Port Henry late Sunday
Sometimes when I'm riding high, feeling fine
you know there's something troubling my mind
so I reach into my pocket for some small change
I reach into my pocket for some small change
dispatch - two coins
Loneliness, your lips and the two coins of your eyes
into my pockets
a train skates into Port Henry late Sunday
Sometimes when I'm riding high, feeling fine
you know there's something troubling my mind
so I reach into my pocket for some small change
I reach into my pocket for some small change
dispatch - two coins
17.5.03
going to league for track today. Actually i have to leave like right now... just waiting on Dad. Also just got back from math placement testing for UW. It was really easy... I hope I get into a class that fits my skill level because believe me, there isn't much there.
My life seems so simple and so confusing at the same time. I made a choice last week that is good, that I know to be good, and yet I can't convince myself that it was the right one. Hmm, don't know how to express that. Anyway... I'd better go. No music... i'm in too much of a hurry.
My life seems so simple and so confusing at the same time. I made a choice last week that is good, that I know to be good, and yet I can't convince myself that it was the right one. Hmm, don't know how to express that. Anyway... I'd better go. No music... i'm in too much of a hurry.
12.5.03
Friday Five time... can't skip a week, right?
1. Would you consider yourself an organized person? Why or why not?
Somewhat. I guess I am pretty organized for school purposes... my papers are always in the right folder or divider, and hardly ever creased or smudged. My room, however, is another story. What a disaster area...
2. Do you keep some type of planner, organizer, calendar, etc. with you, and do you use it regularly?
Yes, and no. I do write stuff in it, but I hardly ever check, and when I do pull it out it's usually at school, where I'm adding stuff that's already happened just because I'm bored.
3. Would you say that your desk is organized right now?
No. Not at all. I don't really work at my desk, ever.
4. Do you alphabetize CDs, books, and DVDs, or does it not matter?
Not in the least. As long as they're stacked nicely, I can call it good.
5. What's the hardest thing you've ever had to organize?
Ooh, good question. Probably my room, seeing as how I never organize it unless I move or something. God, college is going to take a LOT of organizational work.
Side note: what is with all the hookups? Some kind of spring fever bug escaping? huh?
1. Would you consider yourself an organized person? Why or why not?
Somewhat. I guess I am pretty organized for school purposes... my papers are always in the right folder or divider, and hardly ever creased or smudged. My room, however, is another story. What a disaster area...
2. Do you keep some type of planner, organizer, calendar, etc. with you, and do you use it regularly?
Yes, and no. I do write stuff in it, but I hardly ever check, and when I do pull it out it's usually at school, where I'm adding stuff that's already happened just because I'm bored.
3. Would you say that your desk is organized right now?
No. Not at all. I don't really work at my desk, ever.
4. Do you alphabetize CDs, books, and DVDs, or does it not matter?
Not in the least. As long as they're stacked nicely, I can call it good.
5. What's the hardest thing you've ever had to organize?
Ooh, good question. Probably my room, seeing as how I never organize it unless I move or something. God, college is going to take a LOT of organizational work.
Side note: what is with all the hookups? Some kind of spring fever bug escaping? huh?
it's been over a week since I last blogged. I really, really wanted to blog last night, but the stupid Blogger service wouln't let me access my blog. Jeez. And I was being philosophical and had all these ideas that I wanted to write down, about my life, about school, about everything. I guess I'll just have to recall it all and type it now. *Sigh* Anyway...
So one week of IB testing over and done with. It wasn't all that hard, really, except for the math, which kicked my butt. Yeah, I'll laugh when I see my scores in July and realize that I failed, because by then it won't matter. Hell, it doesn't matter now. So that went badly. But Bio and English seemed to go pretty smoothly, and since they're HL, that's all that matters (or at least they matter the most of the IB tests). It's actually been somewhat fun, because IB tests give us an excuse to go outside and play Frisbee, or skip class. Frisbee rocks, and soon it will replace track as my main after school activity.
Turns out the knot unraveled itself somehow.. wasn't really involved with that one. Anyway it kind of resulted in some favorable circumstances, at least from what I can see. I guess we'll see what happens. June 7th will be good times.
I think that as bloggers, each of us has a responsibility to find one random blog and read it faithfully. It shouldn't be somebody we already know (although keeping yourself posted on your friends isn't a bad idea, either). Blogs are meant to be happened upon and I think we should assist the process, and read about someone's life on the internet, because that is what they are for. Kind of a karma thing, if the first three sentences didn't explain it well enough.
Been playing lots of cribbage with me daddy... good fun. Helps to make up for my being an hour late two Friday nights ago. I'm pretty sure he's forgotten about it.. it's really just a matter of me justifying why I'm spending Friday/Saturday nights at home. I think it's good for me to get rest on the weekends - being out and about every night doesn't help that. Also, I can let loose a little after IB tests... hanging low until that happens.
well, study group is tonight. Better take off soon, or get ready to do so. More later, provided that my blog works.
you know what's good? a chopped frozen banana, mixed with light whipped cream and walnuts. it's like a cheap version of Ben and Jerry's Chunky Monkey, but without the chocolate and the extra fat. Probably more potassium, too.
And it's one more day up in the canyons
and it's one more night in Hollywood
if you think that I could be forgiven
I wish you would
Counting Crows - Long December
So one week of IB testing over and done with. It wasn't all that hard, really, except for the math, which kicked my butt. Yeah, I'll laugh when I see my scores in July and realize that I failed, because by then it won't matter. Hell, it doesn't matter now. So that went badly. But Bio and English seemed to go pretty smoothly, and since they're HL, that's all that matters (or at least they matter the most of the IB tests). It's actually been somewhat fun, because IB tests give us an excuse to go outside and play Frisbee, or skip class. Frisbee rocks, and soon it will replace track as my main after school activity.
Turns out the knot unraveled itself somehow.. wasn't really involved with that one. Anyway it kind of resulted in some favorable circumstances, at least from what I can see. I guess we'll see what happens. June 7th will be good times.
I think that as bloggers, each of us has a responsibility to find one random blog and read it faithfully. It shouldn't be somebody we already know (although keeping yourself posted on your friends isn't a bad idea, either). Blogs are meant to be happened upon and I think we should assist the process, and read about someone's life on the internet, because that is what they are for. Kind of a karma thing, if the first three sentences didn't explain it well enough.
Been playing lots of cribbage with me daddy... good fun. Helps to make up for my being an hour late two Friday nights ago. I'm pretty sure he's forgotten about it.. it's really just a matter of me justifying why I'm spending Friday/Saturday nights at home. I think it's good for me to get rest on the weekends - being out and about every night doesn't help that. Also, I can let loose a little after IB tests... hanging low until that happens.
well, study group is tonight. Better take off soon, or get ready to do so. More later, provided that my blog works.
you know what's good? a chopped frozen banana, mixed with light whipped cream and walnuts. it's like a cheap version of Ben and Jerry's Chunky Monkey, but without the chocolate and the extra fat. Probably more potassium, too.
And it's one more day up in the canyons
and it's one more night in Hollywood
if you think that I could be forgiven
I wish you would
Counting Crows - Long December
3.5.03
Time for Friday Five! (only a day late...)
1. Name one song you hate to admit you like.
Ignition Remix by R. Kelly. Rap goes against just about everything I believe in, but somehow I ended up liking this song.
2. Name two songs that always make you cry.
I don't really cry when I listen to songs... but I suppose if I were to pick out two songs that make me sad/wistful, they'd have to be Don't Know Why by Norah Jones and Konstantine (artist unknown to me).
3. Name three songs that make you want to dance.
I really like Breathe In by Frou Frou, Shiver by Coldplay, and basically any upbeat showtune or swing song. K, so that last one would probably have to be In the Mood by the Glenn Miller Band (I think that's who it is anyway).
4. Name four songs that always make you feel good.
Music is my life, it really is. A Long December by the Counting Crows, Clocks by Coldplay, Rio by Duran Duran, and Dance of the Flowers by Tchaikovsky. Hope I spelled that right.
5. Name five songs you couldn't ever do without.
Karma Police by Radiohead, Dosed by the Red Hot Chili Peppers, And So It Goes by Billy Joel (oh also everything he's ever written), The Space Between by Dave Matthews Band, and Babylon by David Grey. That's only a small sample... I really, really have an intense love for music. This question doesn't do it justice.
my stupid "o" button stopped working, and now I'm copy/pasting o's in when I type. The "a" button is threatening to quit its job as well.... damn. Anyway, should have studied more today, but instead slept in til 12, hustled to pull off a quartet commitment, and then bummed around the house turning down offers to hang out. Not that watching X2 or Apocalypse Now wasn't appealing, it's just that I felt I should stay home, especially after I told Dad that I would. (Was out til 1 last night and he was a tad pissed off, so playing cribbage with him tonight made up for it, I think. Even though I won.) So only minimal math studying happened today. Will do more tomorrow. Jeez, that last word had too many o's to paste.
i'm not afraid of anything
be it growing old or going out of style
I'm not afraid of anything
who would give up what she wants without a trial
another mile
I'm not afraid
I'm Not Afraid of Anything - Jason Robert Brown
1. Name one song you hate to admit you like.
Ignition Remix by R. Kelly. Rap goes against just about everything I believe in, but somehow I ended up liking this song.
2. Name two songs that always make you cry.
I don't really cry when I listen to songs... but I suppose if I were to pick out two songs that make me sad/wistful, they'd have to be Don't Know Why by Norah Jones and Konstantine (artist unknown to me).
3. Name three songs that make you want to dance.
I really like Breathe In by Frou Frou, Shiver by Coldplay, and basically any upbeat showtune or swing song. K, so that last one would probably have to be In the Mood by the Glenn Miller Band (I think that's who it is anyway).
4. Name four songs that always make you feel good.
Music is my life, it really is. A Long December by the Counting Crows, Clocks by Coldplay, Rio by Duran Duran, and Dance of the Flowers by Tchaikovsky. Hope I spelled that right.
5. Name five songs you couldn't ever do without.
Karma Police by Radiohead, Dosed by the Red Hot Chili Peppers, And So It Goes by Billy Joel (oh also everything he's ever written), The Space Between by Dave Matthews Band, and Babylon by David Grey. That's only a small sample... I really, really have an intense love for music. This question doesn't do it justice.
my stupid "o" button stopped working, and now I'm copy/pasting o's in when I type. The "a" button is threatening to quit its job as well.... damn. Anyway, should have studied more today, but instead slept in til 12, hustled to pull off a quartet commitment, and then bummed around the house turning down offers to hang out. Not that watching X2 or Apocalypse Now wasn't appealing, it's just that I felt I should stay home, especially after I told Dad that I would. (Was out til 1 last night and he was a tad pissed off, so playing cribbage with him tonight made up for it, I think. Even though I won.) So only minimal math studying happened today. Will do more tomorrow. Jeez, that last word had too many o's to paste.
i'm not afraid of anything
be it growing old or going out of style
I'm not afraid of anything
who would give up what she wants without a trial
another mile
I'm not afraid
I'm Not Afraid of Anything - Jason Robert Brown
1.5.03
took this quiz today.... guess which Friend I am:
I'm Joey Tribbiani from Friends!
Take the Friends Quiz here.
created by
stomps.
I never saw it coming.
Talent show was bunches of fun tonight... can't believe how talented Capital students are. Awesome.
Made a shake for my dinner and now I'm going to bed because I have an IB test tomorrow. Love you all!
and for those of us testing these next few weeks, good luck! (Not that you'll need it...)
also, you should look at this.
lyrics for tonight are straight from the talent show. what an ephenephrine rush.
I think they meant it
when they said you can't buy love
now I know you can rent it
a new lease, you are my love
on life, be my life
I'll Cover You - Jonathan Larson (from RENT)
I'm Joey Tribbiani from Friends!
Take the Friends Quiz here.
created by
stomps.
I never saw it coming.
Talent show was bunches of fun tonight... can't believe how talented Capital students are. Awesome.
Made a shake for my dinner and now I'm going to bed because I have an IB test tomorrow. Love you all!
and for those of us testing these next few weeks, good luck! (Not that you'll need it...)
also, you should look at this.
lyrics for tonight are straight from the talent show. what an ephenephrine rush.
I think they meant it
when they said you can't buy love
now I know you can rent it
a new lease, you are my love
on life, be my life
I'll Cover You - Jonathan Larson (from RENT)
29.4.03
just had to include this... I laughed out loud when I clicked on the link. Dave Barry comes up with some Internet gems.
ATTENTION, COLLECTORS OF HISTORIC ARTIFACTS
We have no doubt whatsoever that this is the genuine item.
(Thanks to Claire Martin)
posted by Dave 11:03 AM
awesome. Like hot dogs.
ATTENTION, COLLECTORS OF HISTORIC ARTIFACTS
We have no doubt whatsoever that this is the genuine item.
(Thanks to Claire Martin)
posted by Dave 11:03 AM
awesome. Like hot dogs.
28.4.03
now don't y'all go expectin' a whole lotta postin' this week, y'hear...
.. yup it's IB testing time, and I'm going slowly insane. The process is likely to pick up speed once the first test commences on Friday. And it's all downhill from there. Yep, pretty much.
Anyway, if posts are scarce on this page, don't be worried... actually, you should be happy, because it means I'm studying. Woot.
Short summary of recent or soon-to-come activities:
1. Starting second week of not eating sweets (barring Luna bars and coffee) and cutting out snacking. Doing well and feeling fantastic, apart from the occasional "ohmigod must have food right now" feeling, which I feel I suppress quite decently. Wish my dad would stop buying ice cream and snack-y foods, but if it doesn't kill me it'll make me stronger, I guess. Can you tell this is hard for me?
2. Ran by RF's house tonight at about 9... hope he got the message. Also took my sister to get a McFlurry.
3. Tuesday: rehearsal for talent show.
4. Wednesday: Free scoop night at B&R. C'moooon, willpower!
5. Track meet and talent show on Thursday. It'll be a lot of fun but very, very tiring.
6. And, yes, the IB English test on Friday.
7. In case I don't make it back to this page in time, Saturday = Track Meet. (Another one...)
whoa, there we go. Quite the schedule, eh? And lyrics... can't forget the lyrics...
we live in a beautiful world
yeah we do, yeah we do
we live in a beautiful world
oh, all that I know,
there's nothing here to run from,
and yeah, everybody here's got somebody to lean on
Coldplay - Don't Panic
.. yup it's IB testing time, and I'm going slowly insane. The process is likely to pick up speed once the first test commences on Friday. And it's all downhill from there. Yep, pretty much.
Anyway, if posts are scarce on this page, don't be worried... actually, you should be happy, because it means I'm studying. Woot.
Short summary of recent or soon-to-come activities:
1. Starting second week of not eating sweets (barring Luna bars and coffee) and cutting out snacking. Doing well and feeling fantastic, apart from the occasional "ohmigod must have food right now" feeling, which I feel I suppress quite decently. Wish my dad would stop buying ice cream and snack-y foods, but if it doesn't kill me it'll make me stronger, I guess. Can you tell this is hard for me?
2. Ran by RF's house tonight at about 9... hope he got the message. Also took my sister to get a McFlurry.
3. Tuesday: rehearsal for talent show.
4. Wednesday: Free scoop night at B&R. C'moooon, willpower!
5. Track meet and talent show on Thursday. It'll be a lot of fun but very, very tiring.
6. And, yes, the IB English test on Friday.
7. In case I don't make it back to this page in time, Saturday = Track Meet. (Another one...)
whoa, there we go. Quite the schedule, eh? And lyrics... can't forget the lyrics...
we live in a beautiful world
yeah we do, yeah we do
we live in a beautiful world
oh, all that I know,
there's nothing here to run from,
and yeah, everybody here's got somebody to lean on
Coldplay - Don't Panic
27.4.03
turns out the short stories for the patron's contest were NOT limited to 60 lines. Curse my inability to interpret things.. ah well. Am frusterated at the moment because of the convo J-Dawg and I were supposed to have auf Deutsch... yeah well my computer decided in the middle of it to make AIM stop working, and so the convo didn't get printed out, and Herr will never know it occured. Scheisse. Anyway.. fun weekend, had a track meet on Saturday that was 90 minutes away from school that lasted a good 11 hours. Yup, I was stupid enough NOT to bring my own car. I was there the entire day. But it was fun hanging out, translating songs with J-Dawg and cheering people on with Teasa. Speaking of her, I wish she wouldn't quit track.. we have such a good time together at the meets. Darn IB tests aren't worth it.
Today felt good - the sun was out and I went to the gym soon after waking up. Had a good workout, felt motivated, even to the point where I stopped at the park on the way home and jogged around there, too, just enjoying the beautiful day and the waterfall and the memories of summer, and anticipating the coming summer. Also went to symphony rehearsal and just remembered how much I love music and what a big part of my life it is. Part of that came from teaching the younger kids again, the 3rd time this time... the real coach is finally back after a month, and will only have one rehearsal with the kids. I wonder if the youngest ones will remember what she looks like, haha. Anyway, I made $35 each time, which works for me.
Been listening to Billy Joel a lot today... especially Waltz #1 (Nunley’s Carousel). He’s got a whole CD of classical-style pieces that he’s written, and the two that I’ve heard are extremely beautiful, and they’re not as long (read: boring) as some classical music is. I intend to buy the entire CD when I get the chance (and the money). Such good stuff. Another of his songs dominated my car stereo on the way to and from symphony.
In every heart there is a room
A sanctuary safe and strong
To heal the wounds from lovers past
Until a new one comes along
I spoke to you in cautious tones
Yu answered me with no pretense
And still I feel I said too much
My silence is my self-defense.
And every time I’ve held a rose
It seems I only felt the thorns
And so it goes, and so it goes
And so will you soon I suppose
But if my silence made you leave
Then that would be my worst mistake
So I will share this room with you
And you can have this heart to break
And this is why my eyes are closed
It’s just as well for all I’ve seen
And so it goes and so it goes
And you’re the only one who knows
So I would choose to be with you
That’s if the choice were mine to make
But you can make decisions too
And you can have this heart to break
And so it goes and so it goes
And you’re the only one who knows
Billy Joel, And So It Goes
Today felt good - the sun was out and I went to the gym soon after waking up. Had a good workout, felt motivated, even to the point where I stopped at the park on the way home and jogged around there, too, just enjoying the beautiful day and the waterfall and the memories of summer, and anticipating the coming summer. Also went to symphony rehearsal and just remembered how much I love music and what a big part of my life it is. Part of that came from teaching the younger kids again, the 3rd time this time... the real coach is finally back after a month, and will only have one rehearsal with the kids. I wonder if the youngest ones will remember what she looks like, haha. Anyway, I made $35 each time, which works for me.
Been listening to Billy Joel a lot today... especially Waltz #1 (Nunley’s Carousel). He’s got a whole CD of classical-style pieces that he’s written, and the two that I’ve heard are extremely beautiful, and they’re not as long (read: boring) as some classical music is. I intend to buy the entire CD when I get the chance (and the money). Such good stuff. Another of his songs dominated my car stereo on the way to and from symphony.
In every heart there is a room
A sanctuary safe and strong
To heal the wounds from lovers past
Until a new one comes along
I spoke to you in cautious tones
Yu answered me with no pretense
And still I feel I said too much
My silence is my self-defense.
And every time I’ve held a rose
It seems I only felt the thorns
And so it goes, and so it goes
And so will you soon I suppose
But if my silence made you leave
Then that would be my worst mistake
So I will share this room with you
And you can have this heart to break
And this is why my eyes are closed
It’s just as well for all I’ve seen
And so it goes and so it goes
And you’re the only one who knows
So I would choose to be with you
That’s if the choice were mine to make
But you can make decisions too
And you can have this heart to break
And so it goes and so it goes
And you’re the only one who knows
Billy Joel, And So It Goes
here's that story I was telling y'all about... wow it's gonna take up a lot of blog space. Good thing there's no limit.
“Actually, I’d rather not go to the show tonight,” Erica muttered, looking at the floor. “I think I’ll stay home tonight. See you tomorrow.” She ducked back into the shadows of her apartment and closed the door, leaving me standing alone in the hall.
I stared blankly at the numbers on Erica’s door as the idea sank in: She doesn’t want to go to the show? Walking to the elevator, I reached up into my purse and pulled out the pair of Jimmy Eat World concert tickets I had bought the previous month. Erica had seemed so excited then, when I had told her I had tickets to the show. I vividly remembered her dropping an armful of books on the floor in the midst of it – her giggling, hysterical, “Oh-my-gosh-Brynne-this-is-gonna-ROCK” ecstasy.
Well, I thought as the elevator closed, the band will be rocking in a few hours, and apparently Erica isn’t going to be there for it. I felt hot tears welling up in my eyes, but I decided I didn’t care enough to cry about this. She doesn’t want to go? Fine. I’ll call Joey, I thought as I pulled out my cell phone. At least he cares about me.
Twenty minutes later, Joey and I were climbing into my red Miata, heading for the concert in Portland. I turned the bass way up, joking about how the noise would prepare our ears for the decibel level. Joey smiled and said something that I couldn’t really hear. The music flooded my head and I hoped it would carry away the feelings of anger and resentment I was beginning to feel towards Erica. But seriously, who did she think she was, anyway? Just ditching me like that without so much as an explanation. Four weeks’ worth of planning, and for what? Nothing. You’d think that your best friend of 10 years would do more to maintain the relationship. What a terrible person…
The car went silent. Joey’s hand was on the stereo power button.
“Hey, now, what was that for?” I asked lightly, brushing his hand away from the stereo. “There’s no reason to –”
Joey grasped my hand. “There’s every reason,” he stated. “Something’s wrong.” A pause. Then, “Your knuckles are white.”
Observant boy. “Here, let’s listen to something else. I’ve got Pink’s latest in the backseat. Or how about some Chili Peppers?” My cheery tone belied my irritation.
But Joey was persistent. Massaging my hand every so slightly, he waited a minute before asking me, “Is this about Erica?”
“Sort of,” I replied hesitantly. I could have said no, perhaps, and avoided the topic altogether. But Joey had always been sympathetic to my pain; he would understand. “It’s just that, you know, she was supposed to see the show with me tonight, and at the last minute she cancelled.” I ventured further. “She has been such a brat lately. It’s incredible. We used to be so close, but these last few weeks she’s been impossible. Always in her apartment. Never calling. What is her deal, anyway?” I looked over at Joey, expecting support, for him to say Yes, Brynne, you definitely shouldn’t have to put up with this.
Joey’s sad eyes gazed back at me with such painful intensity that I almost swerved in shock. “What?” I asked incredulously. “It’s true.”
“Pull over.” The urgent tone in Joey’s voice struck a chord. I took the next exit and slowed to a stop on the shoulder. “Joey, I –”
Almost inaudibly, Joey whispered, “She’s dying.”
I froze.
“She was diagnosed two weeks ago leukemia.” He paused, running his hand over his face. “The doctors said they could have done something about it three years ago, but now it’s so widespread –”
“Stop it!” I screamed, flinging my arms at his chest. “Erica doesn’t have cancer! She would have told me –”
“She couldn’t tell you!” he shouted as I continued to thrash. He wrapped his arms around my tense torso, holding my arms down. “She couldn’t bring herself to do it. It hurt her not to, but she knew how much it would hurt you.” And then, softer, “Honey, come here. Calm down.”
But I couldn’t hear him anymore. My body had collapsed against his and he sat there, rocking me gently back and forth, holding my head against his chest as I sobbed and sobbed and sobbed.
I was back at Erica’s door, almost two hours after leaving her hall with my stupid feelings of resentment. I hated myself for being so petty and ignorant. How to tell all this to Erica, I didn’t know. All I could do when she opened the door was stare at her beautiful eyes and skinny arms. Eyes that seemed to be growing in her pale, shrinking face. Arms filled with the burden of a heavy secret. Eyes that noticed my tear-stained cheeks and slumped shoulders, and arms that engulfed me even before I could choke out the words: “I’m so sorry.” Eyes that closed tight to forever shut out our shallow grievances, and arms to hold on to me, hold on to the moment, and hold on to life for as long as it would let her.
“Actually, I’d rather not go to the show tonight,” Erica muttered, looking at the floor. “I think I’ll stay home tonight. See you tomorrow.” She ducked back into the shadows of her apartment and closed the door, leaving me standing alone in the hall.
I stared blankly at the numbers on Erica’s door as the idea sank in: She doesn’t want to go to the show? Walking to the elevator, I reached up into my purse and pulled out the pair of Jimmy Eat World concert tickets I had bought the previous month. Erica had seemed so excited then, when I had told her I had tickets to the show. I vividly remembered her dropping an armful of books on the floor in the midst of it – her giggling, hysterical, “Oh-my-gosh-Brynne-this-is-gonna-ROCK” ecstasy.
Well, I thought as the elevator closed, the band will be rocking in a few hours, and apparently Erica isn’t going to be there for it. I felt hot tears welling up in my eyes, but I decided I didn’t care enough to cry about this. She doesn’t want to go? Fine. I’ll call Joey, I thought as I pulled out my cell phone. At least he cares about me.
Twenty minutes later, Joey and I were climbing into my red Miata, heading for the concert in Portland. I turned the bass way up, joking about how the noise would prepare our ears for the decibel level. Joey smiled and said something that I couldn’t really hear. The music flooded my head and I hoped it would carry away the feelings of anger and resentment I was beginning to feel towards Erica. But seriously, who did she think she was, anyway? Just ditching me like that without so much as an explanation. Four weeks’ worth of planning, and for what? Nothing. You’d think that your best friend of 10 years would do more to maintain the relationship. What a terrible person…
The car went silent. Joey’s hand was on the stereo power button.
“Hey, now, what was that for?” I asked lightly, brushing his hand away from the stereo. “There’s no reason to –”
Joey grasped my hand. “There’s every reason,” he stated. “Something’s wrong.” A pause. Then, “Your knuckles are white.”
Observant boy. “Here, let’s listen to something else. I’ve got Pink’s latest in the backseat. Or how about some Chili Peppers?” My cheery tone belied my irritation.
But Joey was persistent. Massaging my hand every so slightly, he waited a minute before asking me, “Is this about Erica?”
“Sort of,” I replied hesitantly. I could have said no, perhaps, and avoided the topic altogether. But Joey had always been sympathetic to my pain; he would understand. “It’s just that, you know, she was supposed to see the show with me tonight, and at the last minute she cancelled.” I ventured further. “She has been such a brat lately. It’s incredible. We used to be so close, but these last few weeks she’s been impossible. Always in her apartment. Never calling. What is her deal, anyway?” I looked over at Joey, expecting support, for him to say Yes, Brynne, you definitely shouldn’t have to put up with this.
Joey’s sad eyes gazed back at me with such painful intensity that I almost swerved in shock. “What?” I asked incredulously. “It’s true.”
“Pull over.” The urgent tone in Joey’s voice struck a chord. I took the next exit and slowed to a stop on the shoulder. “Joey, I –”
Almost inaudibly, Joey whispered, “She’s dying.”
I froze.
“She was diagnosed two weeks ago leukemia.” He paused, running his hand over his face. “The doctors said they could have done something about it three years ago, but now it’s so widespread –”
“Stop it!” I screamed, flinging my arms at his chest. “Erica doesn’t have cancer! She would have told me –”
“She couldn’t tell you!” he shouted as I continued to thrash. He wrapped his arms around my tense torso, holding my arms down. “She couldn’t bring herself to do it. It hurt her not to, but she knew how much it would hurt you.” And then, softer, “Honey, come here. Calm down.”
But I couldn’t hear him anymore. My body had collapsed against his and he sat there, rocking me gently back and forth, holding my head against his chest as I sobbed and sobbed and sobbed.
I was back at Erica’s door, almost two hours after leaving her hall with my stupid feelings of resentment. I hated myself for being so petty and ignorant. How to tell all this to Erica, I didn’t know. All I could do when she opened the door was stare at her beautiful eyes and skinny arms. Eyes that seemed to be growing in her pale, shrinking face. Arms filled with the burden of a heavy secret. Eyes that noticed my tear-stained cheeks and slumped shoulders, and arms that engulfed me even before I could choke out the words: “I’m so sorry.” Eyes that closed tight to forever shut out our shallow grievances, and arms to hold on to me, hold on to the moment, and hold on to life for as long as it would let her.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
